Let’s talk self-care—but not the “zone out with beer and video games” version, or the mindset that blowing off steam at the bar counts as hitting reset. Real self-care isn’t always glamorous or relaxing. Sometimes it looks like doing the thing you’ve been avoiding, sitting with uncomfortable emotions, or giving yourself a moment to cool off before you respond.
Think of self-care like golf. Most of us are just trying to make it through the course—dodging sand traps, rough patches, and occasional water hazards (hello, bad days). But if you’re swinging blindly or relying on the wrong club, you’re not going to make par—let alone get a hole in one.
Let’s break it down. Most of our self-care attempts fall into three main categories:
1. Avoid
This is when we say, “I’m fine,” slam the emotional door shut, and walk away. Avoidance can look like overworking, zoning out on your phone, or numbing with food, sex, substances, or endless scrolling.
But here’s the thing—avoidance doesn’t actually solve anything. It’s like hitting your ball into the woods and pretending it’s not lost. You might feel relief in the moment, but you’re not getting any closer to the green. Eventually, those issues catch up—and when they do, they usually come back harder.
Some people confuse avoidance with taking space—and there is a difference.
Putting an issue aside intentionally, to cool off and return with a clear head, is different from pretending it doesn’t exist. Avoidance delays growth. Intentional space creates room for it.
2. Distract
Distraction isn’t bad. In fact, it’s a useful club in your self-care bag. If you’re overwhelmed and about to react in a way you’ll regret, distraction can help de-escalate the moment. Maybe that means getting outside, blasting music, or hitting the gym—something to get out of the emotional storm and catch your breath.
But here’s the key: distraction works best when it’s temporary—a pause, not a permanent escape. Distraction without a plan to revisit the issue is just avoidance in a fancier outfit.
3. Hold Space
This is the real work. Holding space means noticing what’s coming up emotionally and physically—without trying to fix it or run from it. It’s feeling that tightness in your chest and saying, “Yep, that’s here,” and choosing to stay present anyway.
This isn’t just about thinking your way through problems (looking at you, over-thinkers and intellectualizers). It’s about feeling your way through them. Real healing happens when we stop asking, “How do I get rid of this feeling?” and start asking, “What is this feeling trying to show me?”
Holding space is playing the long game—it takes patience, practice, and some guts. But this is where the growth is. It’s the swing that eventually gets you to the hole.
So how do you actually get a hole in one when it comes to self-care?
- Stop swinging in the dark. Take an honest look at how you’re coping. Are you avoiding? Distracting? Holding space?
- Use the right club for the moment. Avoidance might feel like a shortcut, but it’s a detour. Distraction has its place—but don’t stay there. Make time to hold space when you’re ready.
- Be consistent. Self-care isn’t a one-time shot. It’s a practice. The more you show up for yourself—even in small ways—the better your aim gets.
You don’t have to play a perfect game. But if you want to feel more grounded, connected, and in control of your emotional game—you’ve got to stop avoiding the hard swings.
